When mediators describe their role, they often talk about wanting to understand the parties’ concerns, wanting the parties to understand each other’s concerns, and helping the parties obtain clarity about their own and the other participants’ goals and interests. The techniques used by the mediator . . . are tools that enhance the learning process by making information available in a way that allows it to be heard by the participants.
Carol B. Liebman, “Mediation as Parallel Seminars: Lessons from the Student Takeover of
Columbia University,” from Stories Mediators Tell, eds. Eric R. Galton and Lela P. Love
As a party in a mediation, you will be invited to talk about what you want. You may change your mind about what you want. You may not end up getting all, or very much, of what you want. But you can be assured that, as a mediator, I will try to help you reflect on and express what you want. This will aid you and the other party in making important decisions.
On the surface, expressing what you want would seem to be one of the easier aspects of mediation. You might not be surprised to hear that some people find it difficult to comprehend or accept what the other party wants. Or that some people have trouble making big decisions. Or that some people find it hard to speak their full truth, especially in front of a partner who has become something of an adversary. But you might assume that, deep down, parties in mediations know what they want and that, given enough time and prompting, they will find a way to communicate their desires. This is often the case. But not always.
The good news is that, even if it turns out that you are having trouble figuring out what you want, especially as you face divorce or another kind of interpersonal conflict, the mediation process may help you get a clearer picture of how you wish to approach your situation. Mediation is built upon the notion of self-determination, the idea that the parties in a conflict are the best people to determine how to address that conflict. Thus mediators, like me, employ many tools to help parties see more clearly their own interests, goals, and desires and say what they believe needs to be said.
In a subsequent post or two, I will explore some of the ways in which mediation helps parties get a clearer picture of what they want, as well as some ways that people can figure out what they want as they prepare for mediation and work to resolve conflicts outside of mediation. I believe the world would be a better place if people had a better sense of what they truly want.
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